It was her birthday weekend, but she was also competing for the first time in the season, and we had volunteer work at the meet. So she agreed to a simple celebration: dim sum for lunch that Saturday, homemade green tea cupcakes after dinner, presents from family. "Why doesn't it feel like my birthday?" she said quietly right before going to bed on Sunday (her actual birthday), and her words tripped me up. I knew she was going to be okay, and it was my own sadness that came flooding back in. I thought about my efforts to create joy, and how sometimes, no matter how diligent I am, there are things that I can't control. Still, I try, and I try.
April finds it nerve-racking to be in charge of deciding how we should spend the weekend. It's annoying! But also endearing the way she cares. On Saturday, she decided that we should have breakfast in a cute cafe in the neighborhood. Service was slow so we decided to leave. These things upset April so much. She wants things to be perfect, always perfect for me. I know I've traumatized her by being fussy and mopey -- but that was before! How do I correct this neurosis that I caused? I am happy, I am safe. Slow service will no longer bring me to tears. Unless... Well, let's see.