I worry about the future, just because it feels so near, like I am approaching a deadline, and I have nothing to show for it. I am starting to feel afraid that I will never get to where I really want to be in my life, wherever that is. My hopes are all for my children. And as for my own dreams -- well, I've revised my dreams so much these past few years, I no longer know what they really are, much less know if they are still viable. On my best days, I can live in the moment and feel grateful. On my worst days, there is just this: this fear that I have reached the peak of my happiness and there's nowhere else to go from here but down.
We were in our room with the airconditioner on so we were the last to hear the rain. Joy, who sleeps in the living room these days where it is cool, was already fussing to let Forest in. Blue was in a tizzy. He loves Forest's company. When Forest came in, Blue pounced on him and wouldn't leave him alone. Where was The Parade? Under the stove, hiding. Storms freak her out. April carried her upstairs with us and I put her in one of her other favorite comfort spots -- my undies basket inside the closet. In a few minutes, we all settled down. Sometimes I feel like I have reached a breaking point, and I am sure I will unravel, but these domestic emergencies happen and I deal. And life goes on.